Ode to the Immortal Stump
(Or, How a Tree Ruined My Sports Career and Homeowner Dreams)
There’s a stubborn old stump in my yard,
It stands like a guard, wooden and hard.
It laughs while I trip and I tumble and bleed,
Ignoring my curses and desperate plead.
No baseball, no tennis, no football can play,
My wife sighs, “No patio—just wood in the way!”
Friends all assemble with shovels and cheer,
But the stump only mocks as we all shed a tear.
I Googled for answers, bought poison galore,
Drilled deep into wood, but it laughed even more.
It grew back, unbothered, my wallet now light,
That stump was preparing for the next round of fight.
Next up was fire—what else could I do?
My eyebrows surrendered, my beard vanished too.
At first, I was hopeful, my spirits alight,
But the roots, oh the roots, burned deep through the night.
My shed became ashes, the garage joined the rage,
A car tank explosion—backyard warfare stage!
But in true comic fashion, the story turns sweet:
Insurance paid out, now my house is complete.
So here is my lesson to all those who dare:
If a stump haunts your yard, just leave it there.
For though you may battle with fury and frowns,
That stump might just help you upgrade to new grounds!
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